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[personal profile] lalipalooza
One of the worst things about not having Internet is how isolated it makes me. I don't go out, most of my friends don't go out, I see my best friends once a week, I manage to go to Scrabble club maybe a couple times a month, and I was working but most of the time, I'm just home by myself. I miss being able to find people to chat with at all hours of the day and night. I miss being able to read about people's lives on FB and Twitter and LJ. When I do get online, I'm so busy catching up on email and news and all that I don't have time to scroll back and see everyone's posts since I was last online and FB is so weird about what it displays, I'd have to go directly to each person's page and... yeah.
I mean to post about WisCon (it was lovely but I was kind of discombobulated the whole time--weird physical symptoms before and during and I had a hard time keeping my mind on track) but I didn't get a chance. I keep meaning to write down and then submit programming ideas but, again, have not had a chance. I did meet some lovely people and even added some new LJ friends (this has not happened in years so it is particularly awesome) and I apparently did not say anything terribly horrible or inappropriate in the panels I was on so that is also awesome. Some great conversations were had, Liz Argall rapped Vanilla Ice for me, and I finally met Dress Boy. My smoking hobby paid off! The Dessert Salon (a dessert banquet I am in charge of) actually oversold (yay!) and there were no major snafus involved. My hair was particularly blue and my hands turned blue every time I washed it for weeks after.
It was an island of amazingness in what has become an endless ocean of crap. I have trigeminal neuralgia. This causes stabbing pain above my right eye that has been pretty much nonstop since 1997 and it has now evolved to include shooting and stabbing pains in my neck and scalp. It makes me sensitive to light, to touch (which means that every time the breeze blows in my face or ruffles my hair, I hurt; the other day, a light drizzle made me want to chop my head off), to cold, to heat, and to sound.
I am on 3 different types of meds to suppress the pain: depakote, gabapentin, and nadalol. I get a little relief each time we increase the dose of the gabapentin but soon enough, the meds stop working or the pain breaks through or whatever and everything gets unbearable again. At this point, I am taking so much gabapentin that my limbs and brain get all noodly and if I take more than 1500 mg of depakote a day or even if I stay at 1500 mg for too long, my liver and pancreas go nuts. My doctor finally, FINALLY prescribed narcotics (they have a blanket anti-narcotic policy at the low-/no-cost clinic I go to) but even percocet only works for a short time. At this point, I'm just grateful that it works at all.
Because of all this, I have not been able to work more than a few days here and there in months. Some days I just don't sleep because the pain keeps me awake. Some days I can't handle the daylight and the wind touching me so I don't leave the house. Some days I can't handle the fluorescent lights and the noise of the call floor and the noise of the calls themselves. Some days I need the restroom literally 20 times and most of those times with little or no warning which is not compatible with a job where I have to be on a call for at least 10 minutes before I can ask someone else to take it over and where I have to be at my station, logged in to the system for at least 95% of my shift and where the restroom is more than 20 feet away. I live in a 600 sq ft efficiency and there are times lately when I have not made it to the restroom. I can choose pain or shitting my brains out.
Work-wise, I have FMLA and my workplace has been really flexible and patient, but I have no sick leave or vacation time or anything. I am taking a formal leave of absence until we get a handle on the pain issues and I am emotionally able to handle things. At this point I teeter between sobbing freakouts and total denial. In the middle is this weird space where I feel totally empty and blank but sometimes I just tear up over stupid things.
Anyway, this whole thing means I have no income. I currently owe $1625 in rent and probably $400 in electricity. On top of that, my lease ends July 31 and my landlord is, obviously, not renewing. And, since I have no income, that means I'll be homeless. That means I'll also have to find the money for a storage space and a U-Haul for someone to rent for me or else toss out everything I own because I don't know anyone who can store anything for me.
I am trying, once again, to get back on SSI and have applied for disability. I have reapplied for food stamps as well. [ profile] sophy has been making calls to find out about housing options but I know there's not really anything out there for women who don't have kids. There's one shelter for homeless women but it's a first-come, first-served kind of thing and if I DO get back to the point where I'm able to work, I'll be working third shift and sleeping during the day which makes the shelter--which gives beds for the night to the first 30 women who show up at 5 p.m.--kind of useless to me.
Those of you who know me know this is not the first time I've had issues. It's probably not even the third or fourth or fifth. I get a job, do fine for a little while, and then after about a year things start to get really bad really fast. It's like my batteries run out. Eventually my body just quits and then I'm left flailing because I have no way to support myself and no fallback and nowhere to go. I've always managed to get by in the past with the help of friends or family. Last time, I ended up going back to school and relying on student loans and grants. I am totally out of options this time.
Then there are my cats. I have been desperately trying to find a foster home for them. I honestly do not know what I would do if I lost them for good. They literally help keep me sane even though they drive me crazy at times.
That is where I'm at right now.
It is incredibly humiliating, but I have been begging people to help me financially. I cannot cope. I have no idea what is going to happen to me. Last time I was homeless, I at least had a little money from my dad's retirement fund to pay for motel rooms until my student aid came in. There was a light at the end of the tunnel that time. Now there's nothing. As I said on FB, I feel like I'm drowning and everyone is just standing on the shore, going about their business. I feel like there is a general assumption that things will somehow work out. That everything will be fine. It won't. My landlord isn't going to give me a pass. No one is going to take me in. An eccentric billionaire who has secretly had the hots for me and been stalking me for, like, a year is not going to swoop in and sweep me off my feet and into the lap of luxury (srsly, this was the plot of a romance novel we found last night). I think what's most horrible about this is that half the people I went to high school with are on my Facebook (granted, that's only about 15 people--my graduating class was 19). I was bullied pretty badly all through school and I used to daydream about going back for a reunion and showing off my fabulous success and my super-hot boyfriend/husband (or boyfriend AND husband AND girlfiend or, y'know, whatever). Look how well THAT plan went. Nothing like advertisting your complete and utter failure to people who treated you like shit for 4 years and now pretend that never happened.
So that's where my life is at, LJ-land. Now aren't you glad I don't update? My Facebook statuses make a morgue look like Disneyland.

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lalipalooza: (Default)

June 2013


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